Category Archives: Character Quest

7 Ways to Slash Complaining

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slash-complaining

At dinner last night, my husband asked, “How was everyone’s day?” We go through this routine almost every night.

I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. I craved a chance to vent about my long list of troubles. “There was a substitute bus driver and he didn’t stop, so I had to chase him to get your daughter to school. Then traffic was crazy, and when I finally got to work I realized I forgot my lunch, so all that work packing it was a waste of time. Okay, it was just a yogurt and crackers because I was rushed, but still. And then one of our autistic students had a meltdown because I broke his piece of bread in half and he prefers it whole, and so most alexander-book-picof the other kids started screaming because of the noise…” On and on I ranted. It was seriously a case of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day spewing from my mouth.

 

I felt a little better after my tirade, but I noticed the damper I inflicted on dinner. I don’t like when my kids whine or complain, and yet here I was sucking the joy out of the room. Later that evening, I reflected on how my family and I could cut back on whining. Here are the seven methods I plan to use.

  1. Tell close family or friends about your decrease whining goal so you’re held accountable.
  2. Transform complaints into solutions. If there is something that will help the problem—do it.
  3. Change “have to” to “get to”.
  4. When you discover yourself whining, add a “but” and say something positive.
  5. Distance yourself from chronic complainers. (At least during your own complaint detox.)
  6. If you must vent, do it on paper so it doesn’t affect others.
  7. Don’t give up if you don’t suddenly stop whining. Keep trying.

I hope some of you will join me in this complaint slashing adventure. We have the power to make people actually glad they asked, “How was your day?”

30 Ways to Focus on Others

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Sometimes ways to help others just occur naturally. If I see a lady juggling a baby, a diaper bag, and a fussy toddler and she’s approaching a door, I will instinctively open the door for her. I remember what it was like to wish I had three hands. Maybe you do, too.

There are times, however, when I want to keep my eyes off myself, but I just don’t have ideas bubbling through my brain on how to make a positive difference. I may not always have the time or the resources to go on a mission trip to Africa, but I can always offer a bit of sunshine. I decided that a list might inspire me when I’m stumped for ideas. Maybe the list will inspire you as well.

  1. Find someone at work or school who looks lonely and talk to them.
  2. If you’re sitting waiting your turn to eat at a restaurant, give your seat to someone else.
  3. Compliment someone.
  4. Give someone a hug.
  5. Contact someone who you haven’t reached in years.
  6. Let a car enter in front of your car.
  7. Pick up litter during your walk.
  8. Offer your change to someone who comes up short in the check-out line.
  9. Volunteer at a charity.
  10. Actively listen to someone, even if they are talking for a long time.
  11. Donate blood.
  12. Try to grow extra in your garden so you can give some fresh food away.
  13. Assist someone who looks lost.
  14. Donate clothing or other items to a charity.
  15. Visit someone who lives alone.
  16. Mow someone’s yard.
  17. Shovel the snow out of someone’s driveway.
  18. Give a family member breakfast in bed.
  19. Bake a treat for a neighbor or a friend.
  20. Forgive anyone who has wronged you.
  21. Do a chore you don’t normally do.
  22. Make an extra effort to orient and include someone new.
  23. Send an encouraging text, email, or letter.
  24. Remember to wish someone happy birthday on time.
  25. Thank service men for their sacrifice.
  26. Clean up after yourself.
  27. Use any resources you have to help someone find a job.
  28. Call someone by name.
  29. Include everyone in the room.
  30. Smile.

Simple ideas really, but they can get your ideas flowing. Now it’s time to work in my garden so I have veggies to share. If only the squirrels and rabbits understood that I can’t share with other people if they eat everything.

Doing Good Does Us Good

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Sometimes when I’m feeling down or sorry for myself, it helps when I look at others. Hold on now. I don’t mean that it helps to compare and criticize, trying to prop up my own damaged ego. I’ve experienced that technique and it doesn’t help anyone.  Random group chat checks on my daughters’ phones reveal that sort of catty behavior is still rampant. Social media can be brutal.

Maybe this path is human nature, but it’s an aspect worth fighting. It helps when I look at others to see their needs and find ways where I can actually help. Instead of focusing on myself and wallowing in a pity party (yes, I’ve done that—ugh), I find happiness when I focus on others and search for ways where I can be an encouragement.

We have the ability to help others through our actions, regular volunteering, or donations. There are no pre-requisites. We don’t have to be rich to share a little food or money. We don’t need a degree to offer a kind word, or be super athletic to shovel someone’s snow-covered driveway. Our efforts may relieve physical need or be the encouragement someone needs. People sometimes just need to know that others care and recognize their existence.

There’s an added benefit that in helping others, we’re also helping ourselves. Have you ever felt a burst of happiness after performing a good deed? That’s actually a documented sensation known as “helper’s high”. When you do something good for someone else, your brain’s pleasure centers light up, releasing endorphins.

Helping others also provides a sense of purpose. We’re on earth to do more than satisfy our own wants and needs. Our lives have meaning when we positively impact others. When we finally crawl into bed at night, it feels good to think about ways we made a difference, rather than what we failed to accomplish. Sure, the healthy version of brownies that I attempted to make did not fool or please my family (no big surprise—the recipe incorporated black beans), but at least I sent that encouragement note to a friend going through a hard time. I did something to make the world a better place, and it feels great.

So when we struggle to find our positive attitude, we can look to others. Doing good will do us good.

Thighs and Yoga Pants

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There are so many physical fitness experts giving exercise plans through their websites, videos, and blogs. I am not one of them. I make myself exercise, and sometimes I actually enjoy it, but I don’t claim expertise on the subject.

I do have personal experience feeling the difference exercise can make on my attitude. Not only do I feel better knowing I just did what I could to battle my ever-expanding thighs, I also have a surge of energy and endorphins. The endorphins are wonderful little chemicals that interact with the receptors in my brain, reducing my perception of pain and making me a happier person. Hopefully you have felt an infusion of joy from endorphins as well. If not, get ready for a drug-free boost.

I find that I need variety in my exercise. If I do the same exercise routine every day I tend to get bored. Some of you are probably die-hard runners, so this might not be true for you. I see you with your muscled legs and zero body fat and know what you are doing is effective. I wish I could be more like you. But no, running every day is not my thing.

Here are the methods of exercise I like to bounce between the most:

  • Biking
  • Walking
  • Kick-boxing
  • Gardening (doesn’t get my heart-rate up but I can feel it afterwards)
  • Aerobics (while I watch Netflix)
  • Yoga
  • Dancing (don’t judge—my moves aren’t great but I keep moving)
  • Pilates

Exercising at least 20 to 30 minutes three days a week is good, but I aim for at least five days a week. This helps me sleep better, reduces my stress, and remember those endorphins I mentioned? I want them more than three days a week.

The last two months I have added a super short workout to my morning routine. I’m guessing I’m not the only one with crazy mornings. By the time I make breakfast for my kids and drive them to school, I barely have time to get ready for work myself. I can’t seem to squeeze in a full workout because I am not a morning person, but I can squeeze in a five minute stretching or yoga routine, and it helps my attitude immensely. Like I say, I am no fitness expert, so I will show you a routine from Tara Stiles that I enjoy. You don’t want to watch me doing these moves in yoga pants. (Thighs—remember?)

 

Let’s get those endorphins flowing and feel our attitude change for the better!

 

 

Calm Crankiness

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One of our autistic students came back from a long weekend and was tired and cranky. When I say cranky, I mean he cried and threw tantrums for three hours. Multiple people tried to step in and soothe the poor little guy, but he would have none of it. All our breathing techniques, squeezing and hand rubbing were failing. Attempts to distract fell flat. The other students were covering their ears and getting stressed. So were the adults. Our room is rarely quiet, but oh my.

Finally, it was time for recess. I managed to thread his arms through his jacket sleeves and coax him out the door. It was windy, and at first he refused to budge and just fumed on the sidewalk. Kids galloped past him. I held his hand and we started walking around the playground. His tears slowed. We walked faster. His tears stopped. Eventually he let go of my hand and began running around on his own. When we finally bustled back into the classroom, his tantrum had ended and he was able to start learning. Thank the Lord.

Now there are no guarantees that exercise will calm every storm, but it wasn’t all by chance. Research shows that exercise causes changes in different chemical levels in the body, which can have an effect on our psychological state. Endorphins increase, giving us a positive feeling that fights depression. Exercise also boosts the neurotransmitter serotonin, helping us keep calm.

So when we start feeling down, a walk or workout can do wonders. Our mind set can change, helping us regain a positive attitude.

Fair Band-Aids

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band-aid-hands-pic

“Life isn’t fair!”

We’ve all heard it. We’ve probably all said it. Last week, I shared the thought that fair doesn’t mean equal. Modeling this concept with consistency is a great way to communicate this message to your kids or students, but what if they still don’t seem to understand? An idea that was posted repeatedly on Pinterist caught my attention. All that you will need is some band-aids and a little time.

Have your kids or students close their eyes and imagine that they have an injury somewhere on their body. Ask them to tell you where the pretend injury is. Place a band-aid on the back of their hand without explanation. The kids will probably be confused. If the injury was on my leg, why did you put the band-aid on my hand? Hopefully they will make one of their frequent comments about it not being fair.

Ask the kids how it wasn’t fair, since everyone got a band-aid. Guide them in a discussion about how the band-aid wasn’t helpful unless it was where they needed it. Fair isn’t when everyone gets the same thing. It’s when everyone gets what they need. Emphasize that comparing ourselves to others will only make us unhappy. Someone else is always going to have better clothes or the latest device that we want. (Or in our lives as adults, a bigger house, or a better job.) We need to appreciate and make the most of what we have.

A book for middle grade readers that I wrote several years ago may help children when life Sandstone Cactus Cover_FINALseems unfair. It shares the story of a Navajo girl who spent years working toward owning a horse of her own. Just when her dream is within her grasp, disaster strikes, and the pinto filly she earned goes to someone else. So unfair! She struggles with the choice to persevere and grow or withdraw and wither.

Now you have a couple tools to combat the “life isn’t fair” episode. Let’s see if the concept gets stuck in our child’s brain—and in our own.

Fair Isn’t Always Equal

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Not Fair pic

Have you ever been caught in the “keeping life fair” whirlpool? It’s exhausting.

As a parent, I want to be fair and try to keep everything equal for my kids. At Christmas, I make sure my kids have the same number of presents to open, and that the grand total of the presents is the same. I follow the clever bit of advice about having one child split a treat, and the other child choosing the half they want.

When I taught music, I was careful to make sure everyone got to play an instrument and had a special part in a musical. I recorded every time a student got to lead the class in movement to a song by our Composer of the Month.

No matter what I tried, there were times where my kids or students would still declare, “That’s not fair!

And then I began to evaluate what it really meant to be fair. After reading books and articles, I came to realize that fair does not necessarily mean equal. Being fair is more about doing what each child needs at that time. Sometimes this means delayed gratification.

If one of my kids has outgrown her shoes, do I need to take both kids shoe shopping? No. My other child can wait until her own shoes are too small. Do I hear complaints about this? Sometimes, but it’s becoming less common.

If I give the largest xylophone to a student with fine motor skill challenges, do I have to make sure everyone else gets a turn on that same instrument? No. They can play on different instruments. Will they complain? At first, but the ability to wait or deal with disappointment builds over time.

We need to teach kids that our life isn’t about everything being equal. If they fixate on comparing what they have with what someone else has, they will be depressed. (Let’s be real—this is something we struggle with as adults, too.) We need to make the most out of our situation, and then be happy with the life we have, whether it’s equal or not.

I’m ready to escape the “keeping life fair” whirlpool. Good thing it doesn’t actually require swimming skills, because Lord help me, I’d drown.

 

 

Filling the Blessing Jar

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blessing jar pic

Several years ago, I was privileged to join Heart to Heart on a trip to Guatemala. We were installing water purification units and distributing deworming pills for the kids. The people PassThecup picwere so grateful for clean water—something we take for granted in the United States. The homes we visited were small enough to fit into my bedroom, with thin corrugated steel walls and leaky roofs. Most of the kids only had one extra pair of clothes. No iPhones. No computers. And yet, they were happy. They were grateful for what they had. (Check out the book I wrote for Heart to Heart about their water purification project.)

I hope that one day my kids can go with us to serve in a third world country. I want them to experience what it’s like to live without so much excess. This could be a life-changing adventure for your family as well. I don’t know about you, but my family will need to save money for a while to get us there. In the meantime, here is a thought you can discuss with your teenagers: What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

A project for all ages, is to write down your blessings. You can do this in a journal (like my family did after reading One Thousand Gifts), or you can write them on strips of paper and put them in a jar or box. This could be a year-long project. Your family could read all of the blessings on Thanksgiving or New Year’s Eve. I’m just starting this method with my own family.

A visual way to teach the concept to younger children could be through the book The Blessing Jar by Colleen Coble. The story is about a little girl who is having a bad morning. The Blessing Jar Book picHer grandma takes her on an adventure where they collect small objects related to happy memories. They place these objects in a blessing jar to remind them to be thankful, chasing away the grumpy attitude. After reading the book, you could begin your own blessing jar. This activity would be extra special if you had grandparents available to join in the fun.

 

 

Change the Channel

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count-your-blessings-not-your-sheep

I wish I could just hide the remote control, or in our case, the multiple remotes. I can’t seem to remember which remote is used to turn on the television, which one changes the channels, which one is used for DVDs, which one is for the blue-ray player. I’ve heard tales that a universal remote can combine everything, but we haven’t actually tried it yet. Regardless, I would rather my husband did not have access to any of them. He can channel surf like a pro. If I’m going to watch a show, I want to watch it right from the start, instead of trying to figure out what is happening mid-way through.

There is one time where changing channels would be a good thing. When my brain gets stuck on negative thoughts, I need to change mind channels. An effective way to change my thoughts is to count my blessings.

Several years ago, I read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts.one thousand gifts pic Through her unique poetic writing style, she encourages readers to see God’s grace in everyday life, and to find joy through gratitude. My family took her challenge to write down one thousand of God’s gifts. It took several months, but it changed our perspective. I need to continue the practice.

We can thank God throughout the day. He always loves to hear our gratitude. Sometimes in the business of the day, I realize I haven’t counted my blessings at all. I make a point to at least count them right before I go to sleep. A favorite old song of mine is from the classic Christmas movie, White Christmas. It’s a good reminder to count our blessings. Here are the lyrics and video again, in case you have forgotten them.

Lyrics: I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads / And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds / If you’re worried and you can’t sleep / Just count your blessings instead of sheep.

Counting blessings is a positive way to end the day, and a great way to change channels. Now I think I will accidentally misplace all of the remotes.

Stinking Thinking Activities

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stinking thinking brain

I’d like to think that no one could notice when I’m having a stinking thinking episode in my head. I have extremely thick hair, so it would be nice if it could cover a little brain turmoil. Sadly, that stinking thinking can ooze out through the expression on my face and the responses from my mouth.

A scripture that helps me fight it off is, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

So here’s my plan to fight the stinking thinking: A negative thought pops into my head. I realize it, grab it, and tell myself to be done with it. Applying this thought process and scripture can be helpful for teens as well. Younger children may grasp the idea easier if it’s visual. A fun website for elementary age kids that deals with stinking thinking is called:

I Don't Stink ImageIt  has a free cartoon video quiz called Think You Stink? that asks seven multiple choice questions. Once your child answers the questions, it gives a score and a level of “stinkocity”.  Click on the “stinkometer” and your child will see their forecast, ranging from “Blue Skies with a chance of Sweet Scents” to “Severe thunderstorms and Tornado Warnings with Severe Reekness”. After receiving their forecast, they can see their prescription with helpful activities to combat stinking thinking. Examples are doing at least one kind deed every day, and a stinking thought awareness activity that sounds, well, stinky.

Here’s the link, in case you want to check it out. If you just want to take the quiz for yourself, no one will ever know. http://www.idontstink.com/think-you-stink/

Entertaining stinking thinking is a hard habit to break. I wish I had fought the inclination more when I was younger so it wouldn’t be such a challenge today.  We have the awareness and tools to help the next generation decrease their “stinkocity” early in life. Speaking of stinking—my kids have a guinea pig cage to clean. Now that ranks in the “severe reekness” category.